bread of life

The thing that make people shed tears in therapy or on psychedelics is the realization that they weren’t loved or that they didn’t love enough. The unloved child neglected by messed up parents is flooded by waves of self-compassion. The unloved parent neglected by a messed up child is sent waves of love, grief and sorrow. “I love you, I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you.”

It may be a present or past romantic partner, an ex or a spouse, or a friend, or an enemy. “I love you, I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you.”

The only love that truly heals the human heart is the love that forgives, that is, unconditional love. Parental love is unconditional. It is more than storge, affection, philia, friendship, or eros, erotic love. It is agape, unconditional love, love that rains on the just and the unjust. It is an expression of the universal love that binds the universe, in religious language, the love of God.

An earthly father should channel the unconditional love of our heavenly Father. As should an earthly mother of course. (Please don’t get hung up on gender issues – I won’t go into that here). But the love of a good father (and mother) is paradoxically both conditional and unconditional. Otherwise there would be no guidance and no correction. Sometimes tough love is what is called for.

In any case, when our connection to the source of all love, conditional and unconditional, at the apex of the soul, where the human meets the divine, is broken, things fall apart. This is the Fall, when we are banished from the Garden of Delight, when Babylon system rushes in to enlist the lost, loveless souls into its army of producers and consumers of sugar water.

Babylon system is and always has been run and maintained by an army of addicts, hungry ghosts who can never satisfy their craving for love, because they are looking in all the wrong places.

But a broken and contrite heart God will not despise. That’s how the light gets in.

“I am the living bread which came down from heaven: if any man eat of this bread, he shall live for ever.”

John 6:51

What is a Psychedelic Christian?

A fallen soul who eats the bread of life alone before God in absolute faith.

The conversational styles of the “worldly types”, ceaselessly turning on the Wheel of Babylon, are: preaching/holding court/waxing lyrical (Diva); cursing (Demon); moaning (Victim); babbling (Addict); ranting (Muppet); chatting (Muggle).

In contrast, the conversational style of the “holy one” who has stepped off the Wheel of Babble-on is calm and collected, kind and considerate, cheerful, witty and wise.

We will continue to be slaves in Babylon as long as we continue to be addicted to physical, emotional, mental and spiritual masturbation and fornication.

Everyone’s trying their best. There is no Us and Them.

The lynchpin of the human ego system is the Diva, a sense of specialness, even superiority, over everyone who isn’t me. If not the master of the universe, I am at least the centre. Narcissism, whether overt or covert, is inevitably baked into the fabric of the human ego.

Babylon is what you get when you have a family, tribe, village, city, nation, world of egos living together. To accommodate each other, and co-exist with some degree of stability, however, people must take different roles. Obviously, not everyone can be a Diva all the time. The cat fights would be spectacular.

So we end up with all sorts of ego contortionists rubbing up against each other. Somehow, the wheel keeps on turning. It’s not ideal of course. People suffer from all sorts of physical, mental and emotional abuse and neglect, from other egos as well as their own. We put a brave face on it all, but are dimly aware that our self-centredness poisons everything, including our so-called happiness.

Is it possible to start again and establish society on a different basis, as the Israelites tried to do when they fled from Egypt and followed Moses into the wilderness in search of the Promised Land? As Buddha’s followers tried to do when they fled Samsara in search of Nirvana and the Pure Land? As Christ’s followers tried to do in search of the Kingdom of God? Is it possible to base your life, not on ego, but on no-ego?

Just as the Diva archetype is the lynchpin of the human ego, so is the Mystic archetype the lynchpin of the human no-ego. The very definition of a mystic is someone who has transcended their ego. Nobody has a monopoly on egolessness, and nobody has a monopoly on mysticism. As soon as you claim it as “yours”, the ego has slipped back in and you’ve lost it.

The egoless state can be expressed in different ways, whether theistically or non-theistically. The God Idea is very useful, but not essential. You can say “let go and let God” but you can equally say “let go and let Be”. If you insist on one or the other, you’ve lost it. Egolessness transcends all ideas and concepts.

To be a mystic, the important thing is not what you say, or even what you do, but what you are, which is nothing. To “be nothing” is to be a soul rather than an ego. The Soul Idea is very useful, but again, not essential. Buddhists prefer to stick with the idea of no-ego, anatta.

All the qualities and archetypes of the human soul system flow from this mystical state of no-ego. If they are well developed enough to outweigh their ego counterparts, so that the Mystic is stronger than the Diva, the Shaman stronger than the Demon, the Warrior stronger than the Victim, the Monk/Nun stronger than the Addict, the Philosopher stronger than the Muppet and the King/Queen stronger than the Muggle, you are technically a saint.

Sanctity must start with ego-dissolution. Some achieve this through prayer and meditation, spiritual practices and religious faith. Others need a little help from our mushroom friends. Either way, it’s not easy. You have to want it, for a start. But in peak Babylon, who wants to be a saint?

11 And as they heard these things, he added and spake a parable, because he was nigh to Jerusalem, and because they thought that the kingdom of God should immediately appear.

¹² He said therefore, A certain nobleman went into a far country to receive for himself a kingdom, and to return.

¹³ And he called his ten servants, and delivered them ten pounds, and said unto them, Occupy till I come.

¹⁴ But his citizens hated him, and sent a message after him, saying, We will not have this man to reign over us.

¹⁵ And it came to pass, that when he was returned, having received the kingdom, then he commanded these servants to be called unto him, to whom he had given the money, that he might know how much every man had gained by trading.

¹⁶ Then came the first, saying, Lord, thy pound hath gained ten pounds.

¹⁷ And he said unto him, Well, thou good servant: because thou hast been faithful in a very little, have thou authority over ten cities.

¹⁸ And the second came, saying, Lord, thy pound hath gained five pounds.

¹⁹ And he said likewise to him, Be thou also over five cities.

²⁰ And another came, saying, Lord, behold, here is thy pound, which I have kept laid up in a napkin:

²¹ For I feared thee, because thou art an austere man: thou takest up that thou layedst not down, and reapest that thou didst not sow.

²² And he saith unto him, Out of thine own mouth will I judge thee, thou wicked servant. Thou knewest that I was an austere man, taking up that I laid not down, and reaping that I did not sow:

²³ Wherefore then gavest not thou my money into the bank, that at my coming I might have required mine own with usury?

²⁴ And he said unto them that stood by, Take from him the pound, and give it to him that hath ten pounds.

²⁵ (And they said unto him, Lord, he hath ten pounds.)

²⁶ For I say unto you, That unto every one which hath shall be given; and from him that hath not, even that he hath shall be taken away from him.

²⁷ But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me.

Luke 19: 11-27

Health warning: Before taking a substantial dose of any classic psychedelic please be aware that your metaphysical beliefs and commitments may be radically altered.

My mushroom metaphysics are summed up in this simple four-part mantra:

Remember God.

You are not Him;

He is all of you.

Parashiva-Shiva-Shakti.

Amun-Ra-Atum-Ka-Ba-Gaia-Jah.

1. “Remember God” implies monotheism.
2. “You are not Him; He is all of you” implies panentheism.
3. “Parashiva-Shiva-Shakti” implies trinitarian idealism.
4. “Amun-Ra-Atum-Ka-Ba-Gaia-Jah” implies evolutionary panpsychism.

You’re waiting for your bride-to-be at the Arrivals terminal; you’re the paparazzi waiting for Johnny Depp to come out of the club; you’re a sniper waiting for the President’s cavalcade to turn the corner; you’re a soldier waiting for the order to charge; you’re a goalkeeper waiting for the penalty to be taken; you’re a sprinter waiting for the starter gun.

You watch and wait. You are awake and ready. You’re poised. You’re filled with charged expectation. You are in a state of heightened alertness and focus. You don’t daydream or ruminate or look at your phone. Your mind is empty. You are all attention, fully in the here and now.

This quality of attentive, mindful waiting is also present when you wait for a big life event, a birth, a death, a marriage, an important job, an award ceremony, an initiation ceremony. The best preparation for death, and the best preparation for a ceremonial psychedelic journey is to enter as much as possible this kenotic state of expectant waiting. Kenosis comes before a psychedelic ceremony.

Gnosis is the gift of the psychedelic ceremony itself; pistis is the post-trip process of integration; and kenosis is the self-emptied expectant waiting for the next one. For you never know when the next one will be the big one, the breakthrough, the unveiling, the apocalypse.

“Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come.” (Matthew 24:42)

What’s the point of having a deep psychedelic experience if you can’t integrate it into your everyday life? But then again, as Marc Bolan sang, “life’s a gas”. At the end of the day, it’s all experience, isn’t it? Art for Art’s sake and all that. Not everything has to have a point.

If nothing else, we can learn to appreciate the wonder of present lived experience on psychedelics without looking to exploit it for utilitarian ends. We can learn the art of flow. And there are subtle ways, below the threshold of conscious awareness, in which these mysterious compounds change us, almost imperceptibly, from the inside out. In the aftermath, we may sense a curious shift in our outlook and demeanor that we can’t quite put our finger on.

However, for those who want to reap the abundant fruits of the psychedelic experience, there is the added dimension of conscious integration. This conscious integration can be described in three steps: gnosis, pistis and kenosis.

When people in the psychedelic community talk about integration, they usually mean something like, “absorbing and applying the insights gained from the altered state”. This has two main components: one philosophical, the other psychological.

First, there are ontological and epistemological questions of reality and worldview, our pictures of reality. We typically see the world through the filters of deep-seated assumptions and beliefs, inherited for the most part from our family and culture, but also individually constructed through reflection and inquiry. These will be to varying degrees challenged and/or confirmed by the insights arising from the psychedelic experience.

Second, there are personal questions relating to the self in isolation and in relation to significant others. Who we are, who other people are, and what our relationships are, are also questions that challenge our assumptions and beliefs. If we hold negative self-beliefs which limit us in particular ways or make us anxious or depressed, for example, powerful, compelling insights which explode these personal stories have clear psychotherapeutic value.

Human beings are of course story-telling animals. We can’t really live without stories. But the stories we tell about ourselves and the world can be endlessly refined and updated, enabling us to live by more positive, helpful stories as well as more truthful ones, ones that fit better with the reality that reveals itself to us in moments of clarity and insight, those “spots of time” that afford us a glimpse into the heart of Truth.

The process of revising and refining our pictures of reality is what I call pistis. It takes a lot of careful thought and mental effort. It usually involves some form of study, reading, discussion, etc., perhaps with a therapist, perhaps with a mentor or tutor, perhaps with a partner, perhaps with friends. We find our way in artfully and skillfully adapting our working models of reality to accommodate our new insights.

If we don’t do this, the insights are simply forgotten. They evaporate and disappear into the ether (“life’s a gas”). However, if we do it rashly or clumsily, we end up confusing ourselves and constructing a mental Frankenstein’s monster. We may adopt bizarre beliefs and superstitions and turn into a woolly-headed hippy. Or we may cling to certain apparently inalienable revealed verities and turn fundamentalist. Either way, we are not integrated. We have started thinking outside the muggle box only to find that we are now thinking inside a muppet box.

When people in the psychedelic community talk about integration, they usually mean good pistis. This is certainly an important part of it. However, there’s not much scope for good pistis without good gnosis (revelatory insight). If you don’t have the insights, what exactly are you integrating?

For good gnosis, we need both quality and quantity. Plenty of good insights. Both the quality and the quantity of our insights would appear to be outside of our conscious control (and they are), but they can be encouraged and facilitated through the conscious application of a third element, kenosis.

Kenosis means “self-emptying”. It implies the suspension of our assumptions and beliefs, but also of the habitual use of all our human faculties of perception and cognition. Insight comes most powerfully when you clear a space for it. Kenosis is “space-clearing”. It is really the same thing as Zen (or Cha’an or Dhyana), which really just means “meditation”.

So good integration depends on three things: good meditation (kenosis), good insight (gnosis) and good re-appraisal of life, the universe and everything (pistis). It should also be noted that the integration process is not a one-off thing that ends when the insights gained in the psychedelic experience are exhausted. Insights don’t stop once you’ve come down from the revelatory summits of your trip. If you nurture them through good pistis and kenosis, they just keep on coming.

If done right, the integration cycle following a profound psychedelic experience typically lasts for a few weeks. But the effects last a lifetime.